Grief, Gratitude & a Shitty Year
On 10th November 2025, around 7:50 PM, I received a distressing news. My Fiance’s father suffered a brain stroke and had to undergo brain surgery in that afternoon. He is now stable and recovering, still in the hospital.
I started writing the blog post on the 4th of December, after a sense of calm was settling in. And then on the 5th, I received another shocker. One of my friend’s (ex-colleague’s) father passed away suddenly. It is hard to make sense of the news, but I am trying to process it.
This is my attempt to summarise everything through a blog post. The hospital days, and the recent news.
Hospital days
I went to the hospital the next day, in Siliguri, after I heard the news about my would-be father-in-law. And was there for almost 14 days. I don’t think there is anyone who likes hospital visits, or finds pleasure in that. I am also not a stranger. And I hate the smell of hospital wards. It triggers something in me.
This is the 4th time I have visited someone close in the hospital. And every damn time, I felt a bit dizzy. First, it was my Aunt (Masi), then my Mom, then one of my uncles, and then my would-be FIL. And this time, it was extreme for some reason. I guess I got no sleep, took a flight, and was there. And that triggered everything worse. My BP fell after the visit, and I was feeling dizzy.
I avoided visiting him until the very last day. On the very last day, my fiance kept on pushing me to do this. Initially, I was just avoiding it because of the uneasiness of how I would feel. I knew it would trigger the dizziness. I wasn’t ready to face that again. But later I realized that, I just want to stay in my comfort zone, and that is why I have mostly been avoiding this. This hasn’t been a walk in the park for the friends and relatives who have been visiting him. But still, they have been coming.
So, I went to see him, with my fiance.
For almost 14 days, I have spent almost 7-8 hours in the hospital corridors. It has been more than a month now, and my fiance and would-be mother-in-law still have been doing this.
Prayers and the Paradox
Hospital visits and some events like this, even make the so-called self-proclaimed atheists a believer. I was also no exception. A part of me was praying for his recovery. A part of me was embedded in the Epicurean trilemma:
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
It is worth noting that Karl Marx did his doctoral thesis on Epicurus. And Bhagat Singh was also quite inspired by both.
In any case, I spent some time reading the book: Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy while I was in the hospital. It gave me some comfort and new frameworks to think about life and duties. The concept of ‘Amor Fati’ - love your fate - made sitting with the discomfort more bearable.
Tea & inequality
Tea is a staple Indian drink. Loved by almost everyone (I am a coffee guy, and there are a few like me). The hospital, where my would-be FIL is admitted, is owned by the Neotia Group. They also own a franchisee called the “Tea Junction”. Within 200m radius, we had 4 tea junction outlets.
The tea at Tea Junction is quite good. Even I used to have it once/day. But, in Indian standard, it was a bit costly. Hospital (like Temple) is a place where you can find different people from different social strata coming. And I noticed many different reactions to the tea prices.
There were many who would have it, irrespective of the price. There were a few who would joke, after hearing the price: “What is so special about this tea?”. There were a few who would not take it for themself, but would buy it for their relative/spouse/parent etc. And then there would be a few who would just take a long sigh and leave. But the good thing is, there were numerous outlets just outside the hospital. Where you can get the roadside tea.
In the book, that I was reading, the author quoting the stoics, encouraged us to be grateful for what we have and appreciate that. I was getting a lesson on that.
The visit that never happened
While going back to my hometown earlier this year, I made a list of people whom I should meet. I get very lazy, generally, when I am back home. But this time, I was action-oriented. Met almost everyone. Except for two sets of people. My old tuition teacher. And my ex-colleague’s parents.
This makes me gutted. I should have called earlier, proactively, and meet him. Now, I would never get the chance.
After that event, I reached out to my old tuition teacher. And I am actively trying to reach out to more people, with whom I haven’t connected for a while.
Processing
Still, I was trying to process the news of the death. The next evening, my ex-colleague sent me the schedule for the last rites and the funeral. After that, the abstract started becoming more concrete. It kind of broke me.
A part of me, wanted to go there. Attend it. And be there with my friend. And another part just didn’t want to go at all. It wants the happy memories to be how I would remember him: the conversations that we had once shared, his impeccable Bengali accent, and the kindness that he had shown towards me.
On 10th November 2025, around 6:50 PM, I was leaving my office. I had a brain fog. Feeling a bit stressed. And I remember telling myself, “Man! What a shitty year!”
Now, after a month, I would do anything to have my old shitty year back.
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Ordinary thoughts, shared with hope. Pass it along if it resonated.